I desperately want to write SA fics. Yet I can't find the goddamn inspiration to do so!!! Maybe I need to start doing challenges at the FPA........

Yep, Prague. Not to mention Amsterdam, Krakow and Hamburg. What I am going to see there.........well, judge you if you will but it means the fucking world to me. In more ways than one. I will finally have answers for burning questions. And more than enough fodder for my novel.

Srsly.

I got super bored so I started browsing (bad idea for your wallet) and on the English site (which I rarely check), they have a full Miracle Candy coordinate in red (more, really, they have the skirt, jsk, alice bow and bag). *dies*

If only I had my own income.......

And I can't get my Dad to buy me stuff unless I have a good reason for doing so, and in this case, I don't have a good reason. Because my trip is my graduation present, and I wouldn't give that up for all the lolita in the world. I would, however, like to stylishly dressed while I am there. ;)

And then I could post the pictures of my trip up on egl, excluding the depressing parts. Because I am not stupid, you can't wear lolita to certain......places. Those kinds of places deserve my black mourning dress. Which actually is sort of lolita, but I'll wear it without the petticoat as to be respectful.

*sigh*

Ah well.

If there was some way of getting it, I so would. It's just so pretty...........and it makes me feel pretty. And since this time last year I was most certainly not feeling pretty, it is something to celebrate, I suppose. But I really can't treat myself to lolita just for being alive when I have no money to do so. And I don't think my Dad would go for that one. The whole I'm celebrating that I didn't kill myself thing.

Yeah.....no.

Whatever.

Blureh used to say he'd get me lolita. Once upon a time. But now that he is my ex, that isn't happening either. I guess it's time to use the Secret then, Let's see if it works.........

Yeah, not really. I am just hanging out here cause I haven't got a class this period, and today is Monday, club day so I have to wait around until lunch so's I can run my club. We co-chair with the equally amazing Dolly. XD

We don't actually /do/ much, it's mostly a social thing, but we lend each other Bibles and brand books, stuff like that. And I dress up every week (unless I had an insomniac moment or whatever), which is fun. Today is casual, I have this super cute t-shirt I got at Hand M with bows on it, a homemade polka dot skirt, H and M cardigan and just those cheap ass white tights. Nothing fancy, really.

But I am getting a new dress (as well as a blouse and bloomers) from Anna House- it's blue and Marie Antionette style with bows, so that will be nice. I haven't really gotten anything from Anna House besides a petticoat, so I am excited to see how everything turns out.

In other news.....since I have no life, I have been writing up a storm. But hopefully it will work out: I have already finished one book, am working on another as well as a script. Once I get published.....well, a lot of my sentences start out that way. But the monetary gain should help things a bit, though I don't write for the money or the recognition. I just write because it is what I was born to do. Also, I want to educate people with my writing, do some good.

But anyways....once I get published and sell my script I am going to:

- Set aside some money for tzdeka (spelling fail)

- Save some (obviously)

- Give some to my mom so she can take care of things

- Go on a lolita shopping spree

- And set some aside for the epic meet-up. No one who knows about it (maybe you know, Furby, if your brother told you) is on LJ at the moment, but soon I shall spread the word. Once I get published, naturally.

And it shall be amazing.

Yeah. I don't even have the emotional energy to feel jealous anymore. I am just sitting here wallowing, wonder wtf is wrong with me.

Maybe HC was just a fluke, Maybe there is something wrong with me, I have no fucking idea. But I'm sitting here crying and being super lame and emo about it. Minus the sewing pins. I am not that emo. Yet.

The curse of an old soui.....you think you're grown up before you really are.

I just wrote a book. O.O

I am still a little in shock./.....but I have moved onto my next project, a movie script. Having your Dad as a producer can sometimes come in useful that way.

In other news.....fucking cramps. I haven't ever really been tormented by them, so why now???? Lame. Super lame.

and daydream about my dream wardrobe. The wardrobe I will get when my book gets to the New York Times bestseller list.

Stuff under the cut. ^^

( Dresses....you know you want them )

Once upon a time, I believed that I could help people with my writing. Once upon a time I fell in love. I was stupid. I can't do shit. I am sitting here, seventeen and pathetic. No best friend, no love. Just pieces of nothing. Poems, that's what I have. Made up poems. and stories going nowhere. Why do I still bother? Why do I write about things that people don't care about anymore? About dead people who I never knew? Why do I even care about stupid Poland? Why do I even want to go?

I don't know anymore. I don't.

I miss the pysch ward.

But I've come too far for that now. So I am stuck in a sort of limbo. Too far to go backwards but not far enough to get on with my life.

I passed Euro. Thank you God, for everything you have given me. I am very blessed/

WOO-HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's pretty weird, that it means so much to me, but truly it does. I have wanted to go ever since I was nine. I am drawn to it for reasons that I don't understand. I have this /need/ to be there.

It truly means the world to me that I get to be there. I don't know why, and judge me all you like, but it does.

I love that song. It's so hauntingly beautiful.

One of these days, when I am super rich, I'll go to one of those doctors who can do past life regression. It would be very interesting. But right now, I lack the funds, plus I want to buy lolita. XDDD

I am working on a new project. I got stuck with everything else and so Mel told me to write a drabble. What started as a drabble turned into a poem. I liked the character so much that I started writing more and more poems. Now I have this weird poem/novel thing going on.

Yay, time to ramble on incoherently about life.

I feel drawn to certain things. Something pulling me closer and closer to something that I don't really understand or can explain. And right now all roads seem to go to Poland. I feel this inexplicable need to be there....to see where I died so long ago. It seems to be something that will be a turning point in my life, something that I can clearly see the path to, but I don't see what happens afterwards. I can't see the outcome or how it will change me or anything. The future is just blank, I am armed with the knowledge that I must go there and that's about it.

I often wonder if I'll remember things. Like, it will all come to me in a rush, who I was and how I lived and what imprint I left on the world. I wonder how I did....die. And I wonder how I came to be the way I have become. Why I do not shy away from the horror, why I am not properly appalled and revolted by it all. Why it seems to me to be so absolute, something that drove me for so many years. Why is my fate so entertwined with people who died sixty, almost seventy years ago. Why do I feel like I belong more in 1930's Europe than I do in America, right now?

I also wonder if once I go and this is....triggered...whether or not the language will come back to me. The Polish, possibly the German. That would be very useful. Maybe I knew Yiddish. I don't know, and I want these questions answered. And then I can write a memoir and get it on Oprah's book club. XD

But seriously.

I was put into this life for a reason. I was given a gift- the ability to write- for a reason that I don't know. To use it, obviously. But to use it for, I don't know. And I wonder why I am where I am. Why I wear my Star of David around my neck. Why I was so angry at Christianity. I feel like I am on the cusp of something, like there is all this knowledge waiting for me, it's right at the tip of my tongue. Especially language wise. I feel like I can speak Polish, but something, something small is just barely holding it back. It's right there, so close I can touch it. The memories, the secrets. Everything.

So. I came home to LA on the most nightmare flight ever. It had a connection in St.Louis. I've done connections before, no big deal. Whatever. But the plane that puts us on from Newark to St.Louis was fucking tiny. Like, a little matchbox plane. There were two seats on one side, and one seat on the other. They couldn't put out luggage on the plane due to weight restrictions. So they put it on a direct flight (I'll come back to this later). So we get on, and sitting in that little tin can, I had a really bad feeling about on it. Bad vibes, you could say. I usually have pretty sharp intution and rely on my feelings a lot to make decisions. Which could be stupid or smart depending on how think about it. Anyways, as soon as we get up into the air, the wind starts battering the shit out of this little plane. I start praying. I was seriously convinced we were going to crash or something. So, like most people, I made a deal with God. I decided that if I made it through this safely, I would be the righteous person I can be. Cause I really need to work on that......

I had been toying around with the idea of using my evantual Hebrew name, Leah, as the name that people will call me. (Shut up Hannah! Srsly.) I felt like it suited me more than my given name. My step0-dad di the same thing, now everyone calles him Denny even though his real name is Glenn. But he's so not a Glenn, and totally is a Denny. So it works. Anyway, so I decided after this that I would ask people to call me Leah. Which I've sort of done, but not at school because....I haven't been to school.

So we got to St. Louis safely, but we almost missed our connection. Thank goodness they held the plane for us, there were 59 of us going to LA on that came from the little matchbox plane. The flight was boring, as most are, but I sat there and read Twilight, so it was bearable. I wasn't nearly as anxious as I was before the meds, which is good. Still, I got restless and went and had a nice chat with the flight attendent, who didn't know LA and so I had to give her directions. Hopefully they were right.

The plane took for freaking ever on the runway after we landed, 45 minutes later, we had only just gotten off the plane. The worst was yet to come, however. They told us our luggage was supposed to be on a flight that arrived ten to fifteen minutes. To make a long story short, we were at the airport until midnight and the plane never came. Apparently the plane never left Newark.

So we went and ate In-N-Out at like, one in the morning and mourned over all of our lost clothes. But there was a happy ending, after much headache-ing on my mom's part. The next day, they found our baggage and we got our stuff back.

Unfortunately, that damn plane got me sick, and now I'm stuck with a cold. *sniffles*

And school tomorrow.......ugh. I really don't want to go back. I get a feeling that my senioritis will get progressive worse as time passes.

I finally migrated back to LJ. Again.

And Hannah, I thought I already told you about what my novel was about. Wow, that was a convoluted sentence. Anyway, I'm still working on that, I have another, more minor novel going, and I am planning to write a new fic. But unlike the rest of my fics, it will be a while before I publish it because I'm going to actually write out the entire thing first. That way I don't have to worry about editing.

...whoa. I haven't been here in forever. *brushes dust off*

Nothing really exciting to report, besides a new Twilight obsession (Team Jacob wins) and my novel. Last month was NaNo, which I did NOT win. Not even close. 28k. But I am still writing because I love the characters so much. It's the most I have ever written- seventy five pages so far and counting.

I just found out that I'll be coming back to NJ on December 18th, so if there is anything planned, I would love to meet up and catch up.

Yeah.....I kind of lost Mai's email adress and I wanted to send her a thank you note after getting my AP jsk. It's not something I would like to clog up egl with because I know that is annoying as hell and I'd probably get gtfo'd for it. I tired looking for any mention in the memories but couldn't find any.  So....anyone?

I always get this really good vibe when I walk into a fabric store. Like Spiderman, only with lace. I am super picky about my lace, and today was no excpetion. 

Salesgirl: We have black coton here...here...and here. (puts spools on counter)

Me: (feeling swatches between my fingers) Uhhhh......

Me (whispering to mom): This lace is not good at all. Only 20% cotton. 

Cut to:

Trimmings aisle, filled to the brim with cotton and eyelet lace. 

Me (tackling a pile of black venise lace): Heaven!!! 100% cotton!!! Lolita!!!

I'm such a geek. ;)

But a geek with good business skills. This girl who I am starting to be friends with is into lolita, but is a little misguided. So I intend to educate her. She was going to buy this awful dress from Retroscope Fashions, as soon as I saw the stuff on there, I cringed. No wonder I had never heard of it before. So I designed her a skirt and I got $40 buck for it. Of cpurse, with my lace obssesstion, I only ended up with $10 profit, but whatever. It's the thought that counts. XD

I can't believe I haven't been on here in a month. Time flies when you are not having much fun. ;)
I do feel somehwat better, though it has it's ups and downs. Like twice in the ER in one week. That wasn't much fun, but such is life. I'll move forward. I always do. I'll try to be on more regularly now, to practice my mad writing skillz.

It. Hurts. So. Much. 
Why? Whywhywhywhy???? I don't think it's me- but why? I love him. He loves me. So why? God, I sound like such an emo!tard right now. But I don't care.

Still heartbroken. Still depressed. They don't make enough chocolate in the world to get me through this one. It surprised me, that F/R asked me what was wrong. I don't know why, but it felt caught me by surprise. I didn't know he cared. I mean, I knew to some degree but still........

My online friend, Mel, wrote this poem about me, for me. It was so sweet and I loved it so much!!!

She is awe inspiring like the stars

She is calming like the ocean

She is strong like the trees

And yet few appreciate her beauty.

I can see the fire of her spirit.

And the strength of her resolve.

I marvel at her courage.

I wonder if she can see her soul.

A power dwells within her.

Built by experience and time.

Her wisdom only outmatched by kind.

I hope everyone can see her as I do.

For she deserves the loves she gives.

The world she creates is beautiful.

And one I am glad to share.

Awww much love to Mel!!!